“who am i?”
my mom gave me an assignment (the teacher in her, i guess). she told me to spend some time answering the question “who am i” and to email her whatever i wrote. no backspacing, just writing everything that came to mind… here’s what i wrote:
my name is shauna and i am a young black woman at an ivy league institution. i’m like any other young girl — i have fears and dreams. i guess i can start with my fears and then detail my dreams to make this end on a more optimistic and positive note, rather than a dreary pessimistic one.
my two biggest fears. i’m afraid of falling and i’m afraid of failing. the idea of “falling” goes much farther than being suspended in the air. falling to me means becoming too vulnerable in a situation… a situation that will inevitably leave scars, and painful reminders. i guess that can enter into many facets of life, like love, careers, etc. and i also guess that correlates to the idea of failing. i know there are those rare opportunities where you can bounce back from a great fall, and gain so much more than you imagined from it, but failing seems more probable to me. maybe that’s my pessimistic side, or maybe that’s just me being realistic. and i guess this is all just a fancy metaphor for me to say that i’m terrified of taking risks…
as for my dreams, i just want to be an inspiration. i want to inspire my little sister, kelsi-ann and my future children. i want to be one of those people that younger ones look up to and be thought of as a figure for success. and that could be in any career — medicine, education, being a stay at home mom. success to me, unfortunately, is defined by how you’re perceived by those around you. and that’s really a bad thing, i guess… (right?) i feel like i oughta change that. i think success should be defined by happiness, and happiness should be defined by overcoming obstacles… but i promise, i’m learning how to define success.
i also realize that i said “i guess” a lot so far in this little blurb about who i am. that’s another problem… but i’m learning how to be more direct and firm. i feel as if my uncertainties about the future is what subconsciously drives me to say “i guess” alot, but… maybe that’s just a part of growing up?
one thing i also realize about myself is that i always freeze up whenever people ask me the question, “so what do you like to do in your free time?” i have to stop and think most of the time… and i usually create some simple (but mostly stupid) answer. “uhh, i like to bike ride.” *slaps self* i don’t even remember the last time i rode a bike… anyways, i digress. but, as i was saying, what does shauna t like to do in her free time? what makes her stand out from your average joe? i mean, isn’t this what this question is all about? to see how you spend your few moments of free time? i guess i need to gain a hobby… or at least think of a better answer since everyone cooks, watches scandal, and takes naps.
and just a random thought… i realize that this whole writing thing is like my mind. hectic and all over the place. is that even normal? for your mind to just jump from one thing to the next? or is that just me? i mean, does it even matter? maybe i should stop wondering what goes on in other people’s mind and stop attempting to compare myself. bad habits. i guess that’s why neuroscience and education (human development) intrigue me so deeply… it’s like a free gateway into people’s brains/minds. do i sound crazy yet?
anyways, i’m at a point where i realize that i’m just writing just to write, even though i feel like there’s so much more to say about myself. don’t get me wrong, i love who i am but i hate talking about myself. i also hate attention and being in the spotlight… that kinda goes against my zodiac symbol… the “ever-bold” aries ram. but, all in all, this was lots of fun. i kinda see where i need to build some strength… especially in discovering who i am outside of “academic shauna.” maybe moving this summer to a completely new environment on my own will teach my something about who i am. boy, am i in for something…
I think marriage in God’s intended form is so honorable, beautiful and powerful. I think it is an honor to have and then be committed to loving one person for the rest of your life. I desire to have that, and to have God bless our covenant. And I don’t dream of marriage with out its flaws and struggles, bc I know how difficult it is to maintain relationships period. But I just know God has given me the kind of heart that is content and excited about my soul mate. I’m SOOOOO not interested in multiple meaningless relationships… Starting and ending over and over again. Sounds like the perfect recipe to kill a person’s sensitivity in their heart. I’m not interested in multiple sex partners. No I don’t want to “sample” as many dudes as I can. I don’t want all those soul-ties and spirits following me around. I’m not interested in desensitizing myself to the love in making love. None of these things sound like fun.
am i the only one not fuckin with miley’s new style?